Monsanto: Because Nature Wasn’t Profitable Enough

 Rated G—for Genocide.

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[Opening shot: Golden wheat fields swaying in the breeze. Soft piano music. A deep, reassuring voice begins to speak.]

Narrator (soothing):
“At Monsanto, we believe in feeding the world™—
One patented gene at a time.”

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[Cut to smiling farmers on picture-perfect farms, waving.]

Narrator:
“Our proprietary seeds ensure higher yields,
especially when used with our exclusive herbicides,
fungicides, pesticides, rodenticides, and
neural tranquilizers for your remaining doubts.”

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[On screen: “RoundUp™ – Now With Extra Denial”]

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Narrator (slightly more upbeat):
“Remember when seeds used to be free?
We fixed that.”

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[Montage: Scientists in lab coats high-fiving. A gavel slamming in court. A drone spraying endless fields.]

Narrator:
“We hold over 11,000 patents on life.
Why?
Because life shouldn’t be open-source.”

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[Cut to a farmer being served court papers while standing in his field.]

Narrator (gently):
“And if nature accidentally pollinates your crops with our seeds?
You owe us.
That’s just how freedom works.”

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[Suddenly: Black-and-white photos of dead bees, dry soil, and factory farm runoff.]

Narrator (tone shifts):
“Critics say we poison ecosystems,
monopolize agriculture,
and destabilize rural communities…”

[Cue uplifting music again.]

Narrator (cheerful):
“But we say:
Progress can’t happen without a few casualties.
Especially ones that can’t afford lobbyists.”

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[Big smiling Monsanto logo. Tagline fades in beneath it.]

🌾 Monsanto™
“Because you didn’t really want biodiversity anyway.”

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[Small print flashes on screen briefly:]
Side effects may include soil sterilization, seed dependence, water contamination, pollinator collapse, and sudden onset dystopia. In case of rebellion, contact your local biotech enforcer.