BlackRock Presents: Farming the Future (of Control)

 

An exclusive documentary funded by your 401(k).

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[Opening scene: A digital globe slowly spinning, pixelated fields lighting up across continents. Artificial orchestral swell. The voice of a calm, omniscient overlord begins.]

Narrator (polished, corporate):
“At BlackRock, we don’t just invest in the future...
We own it.”

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[Cut to sweeping drone shots of megafarms, all perfectly gridded and monitored by satellites.]

Narrator:
“Through strategic partnerships with the biotech industry,
we ensure global food production remains in steady, centralized hands—
ours.”

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[Cut to clip: A farmer signing a lease for genetically modified seeds on a tablet. A “Terms of Soil Agreement” box appears—unchecked.]

Narrator (warmly):
“Gone are the days of unpredictable nature and messy sovereignty.
With our model, every field becomes a forecastable asset—
just like your dreams.”

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[Scene: Boardroom filled with smiling men in suits. They raise glasses of crystal-clear water.]

Narrator:
“From seed to soil, from farm to fork—
BlackRock's got a stake in every step.”

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[Cut: A BlackRock agent in a windbreaker labeled “Compliance Harvester” clips a wildflower from a field and drops it into a biohazard bag.]

Narrator (concerned):
“Unauthorized biodiversity threatens investor confidence.
We act swiftly to maintain ecological predictability™.”

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[Graphics on screen: Upward-trending charts over collapsing small towns. “Quarterly Growth vs. Rural Existence.”]

Narrator (upbeat again):
“While others grow food,
we grow futures.”

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[Insert a testimonial from a corporate farmer.]

Corporate Farmer (smiling):
“I don’t own the land, or the water, or the seed anymore…
But I get great performance reviews!”

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[End scene: Digital fields fade into a glowing biometric scan of a human eating pre-measured nutrition paste. Background audio is the subtle hum of a drone.]

Narrator (final, intimate tone):
“BlackRock:
Controlling the food was just the beginning.”

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🪙 Tagline appears in clean Helvetica across a black screen:
“BlackRock™ — Where Control Grows.”

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[Small print:]
Subsidiaries include: Vanguard Harvest, BioYield Securities, Compliance Drones R Us, FutureGrain Inc., and the Committee for Dietary Normalization. Not responsible for unintended awareness, food-related revolts, or sudden longing for heirloom tomatoes.