Big Secret Tech

 

Title: Big Secret Tech

FADE IN:

STAGE LEFT: Uncle Sam peddles onto the stage on a UFO-framed tricycle. The wheels screech as he moves. He mutters under his breath.

UNCLE SAM
(grumbling) You wanna see secret technology?

He peddles forward a bit more, then suddenly straightens up.

UNCLE SAM
Wath this—

A laser fires from the tricycle, hitting a balloon near the stage right curtain. POP!

UNCLE SAM
See? Told ya. Big secret tech.

The wheels screech louder as he circles center stage. He stops, reaches into a glove compartment built into the UFO frame, pulls out a comb, and casually combs his beard.

ENTER STAGE RIGHT: A teenie bopper rushes in, chewing gum obnoxiously, eyes wide in amazement.

TEENIE BOPPER
OMG. THAT. WAS. INSANE. A REAL laser? From a TRICYCLE?! Shut up and take my money!!

They pull out their phone, fake-typing excitedly.

TEENIE BOPPER
Is there, like, a subscription service? Or an NFT??

Uncle Sam, still combing his beard, gives a blank stare.

UNCLE SAM
Kids these days…

He suddenly kicks off, trike wheels screeching as he rides offstage, his voice lingering and fading.

UNCLE SAM (fading)
Juuust waaaait… until I declassify… the BUTT HOLE SPUTTER CAN...

A mysterious government agent in a black suit and sunglasses steps out from the shadows. He shakes his head, pulling out a walkie-talkie.

AGENT
(grimly) He’s said too much…

He clicks the walkie-talkie.

AGENT
Initiate Protocol Sputter Can.

The lights flicker. A distant, ominous “pfft-pfft-pfft” sound echoes from offstage.

The teenie bopper gasps, clutching their phone.

TEENIE BOPPER
Wait… is this, like… real?

The agent sighs.

AGENT
It is now.

BLACKOUT.

Beat of silence.

Then…

POP. (The gum bubble bursts.)

A long, sad “pffffffffffffffffttttttt…” like a deflating balloon, echoing into nothingness.

END SCENE.

SCENE 2

A deep rumble begins, low at first but gradually growing into a thunderous roar. The stage trembles slightly.

Suddenly, from above the curtains, a massive metal can begins to descend. Smoke billows from the stage as it lowers into place.

In bright red letters, the can reads:
"BUTT HOLE SPUTTER CAN"

STAGE LEFT: Uncle Sam steps out dramatically, as if taking one giant leap for mankind. He gestures grandly toward the sputter can, eyes gleaming with pride.

UNCLE SAM
Behold… my most secret and cherished invention yet!

He places a reverent hand on the can, pausing for effect.

UNCLE SAM
It runs on methane! That’s why we needed to capture all their farts!

He sweeps his arm toward the audience, leaning in with exaggerated secrecy.

UNCLE SAM
It was for the Butt Hole Sputter Can’s engines!

The lights flicker, and from within the sputter can, a deep “PFFFFT-PFFT-PFFT” sound emerges, like some monstrous engine sputtering to life…

SCENE 3

The stage is quiet. No rumble, no screeching.

STAGE LEFT: Uncle Sam rides out on a tricycle again—but now, he is a child. The wheels roll silently.

He stops at center stage and raises his arms with excitement.

YOUNG SAM
And now, for the greatest invention of all… Time Travel Technology!

FADE TO BLACK.

A video projection begins on the stage screen:

• A child developing in the womb.

• A sperm cell entering an egg.

Suddenly, a note appears on the screen, handwritten:

"This is a time capsule note I made for posterity. I have traveled back to no time, and am now nowhere."

The lights cut to black.

From the stage and audience, a deep, collective sigh is released—a universal sigh, the kind made when settling comfortably into bed, ready for sleep.

Suddenly, the lights BLAST ON at full intensity.

The tricycle sits alone on stage. Uncle Sam’s voice echoes from nowhere.

UNCLE SAM (booming, disembodied)
Consider PRISM to be a government stocking stuffer list… to find out who has been a good or naughty boy and girl.

The lights and voice fade abruptly to black.

SKIT ENDS.