Scene: A foggy morning. Buckingham Castle’s lawn. The King, in a red velvet robe and golden crocs, stands atop a soapbox turret, wielding a jewel-encrusted megaphone shaped like a teacup. In the background, the burned husk of the White House smolders on a transdimensional livestream. Nearby, a jester with a powdered wig beatboxes softly.
THE KING (bellowing across the Atlantic with pompous glee)
AHEM! Attention, colonies! Your upgrade has arrived!
We’ve replaced your democracy with... premium streaming monarchy!
Now with 47% more illusion of choice! Cheers!
(waves tea cup at the scorched White House feed)
Oh, don’t mind the char! That was just a bit of imperial seasoning—
A light flambé of freedom, garnished with corporate parsley!
JESTER (in beatbox rhythm)
🎶 They lit up the House, and crowned the cause,
Now the King got a mic and a round of applause! 🎶
THE KING (mock concern)
And how’s my little Negro of the House doing?
Hope the Crown fits. We had it sized at Yale.
Tell him the plantation has been upgraded:
Now the fields are virtual and the cotton is data!
(He cackles, sipping air from the megaphone cup.)
THE KING (twirling his mustache)
Remember when you all fought for independence?
Adorable.
And yet… here we are.
Your Constitution is now a TikTok trend.
Even I subscribed.
Gave it one star. Said it lacked monarchy.
JESTER (to the side, whispering to the camera)
He’s been yelling since Brexit.
Thinks it gave him cosmic authority.
Also thinks Spotify is a throne room.
THE KING (stomping dramatically)
What’s that? The people are restless?
Tell them to scan the QR code on the back of the dollar bill!
It leads straight to obedience.
(He flings printed QR bills into the moat. Swans peck at them, then explode into fireworks.)
THE KING (mimicking a news anchor)
BREAKING:
"Former colony accepts new ruler via streaming service and fast food endorsement."
First decree?
All kneel during commercials.
Second decree?
Only crowns allowed in rap videos.
Third decree?
Independence Day now called “Oopsie Tuesday.”
JESTER (joining in)
🎶 Liberty’s a brand, freedom’s a lease,
And the King’s got your soul in a crypto piece. 🎶
THE KING (final bow, megaphone echoing as fog rolls in)
Let it be known: the House burned, the throne streamed,
And history was rebranded.
Now sip your tea, serfs.
It’s imported. From you.
[End Scene]
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