Theatrical Chaos Unleashed

     This post, part of Seeing Golden Glimmerings Of Forever, includes AI-assisted research, but all insights and conclusions are my own. © Seeing Golden Glimmerings Of Forever, [2025]. All rights reserved 

Theatrical Play: Cast: Mr. Bean. Charlie Chaplin; just provide his textual stage movements, Fabio Lanzoni. Andre the Giant. Dan Aykroyd. Mr. Bean, plays the Mr. Bean role. Fabio is always looking in the mirror and talking about butter. Andre is constantly trying to catch every other actor who is speaking, but because of his size just pounds around the stage yelling meh to everyone as they escape his grasp. Dan is taking readings and measurements of every other actor as they are speaking, much like the role of his character on ghost busters. Engage this Theatrical mayhem. 

(Lights up. A sparse stage. A grand mirror stands downstage left. Fabio Lanzoni stands in front of it, smoothing his hair and caressing his cheek, whispering sweet nothings about butter.)

FABIO: (Sighs, flipping hair) Ah, butter. The golden kiss of the gods. So soft, so smooth. Like my face. Like my soul. Butter is—

(Andre the Giant stomps in from stage right, his massive frame shaking the set. He squints at Fabio, then lunges.)

ANDRE THE GIANT: MEH! (Reaches for Fabio.)

(Fabio, with the agility of a man deeply committed to hair commercials, ducks under Andre’s grasp, spinning toward center stage.)

(Far upstage, Charlie Chaplin enters, hat tilted, cane twirling. He surveys the chaos, gives a knowing nod, and tiptoes along the edge of the scene.)

(Dan Aykroyd rushes in from stage left, wielding a strange-looking meter, beeping wildly. He scans Fabio, furrows his brow, then turns his device to Andre.)

DAN AYKROYD: (Muttering to himself) Ectoplasmic density… fluctuating… high concentration of butter resonance… unsettling levels of brute force energy…

(Andre spins toward Dan, looming over him.)

ANDRE THE GIANT: MEH! (Lunges.)

(Dan dodges, flipping open a notepad, scribbling furiously.)

(Charlie Chaplin, twirling his cane, nonchalantly steps between the two, raising a hand as if to say, "Let's all calm down." Andre blinks at him. Chaplin removes his hat and flourishes it in greeting. Andre stares. Chaplin tips his hat again. Andre raises a massive hand… and swipes! Chaplin barely avoids it, scuttling away, his legs a blur.)

(Mr. Bean emerges from nowhere, blinking wide-eyed at the scene. He adjusts his tie, raises a single finger, as if to interject… but no one notices him. He sighs, shakes his head, then produces a teddy bear from his coat pocket and pats it reassuringly.)

(Fabio returns to his mirror.)

FABIO: (Striking a pose) Butter is eternal. Butter is divine.

(Dan zips over and scans the mirror.)

DAN AYKROYD: Mirror energy signature… through the roof. Could be a portal. Could be… butter-based.

FABIO: (Gasps) Of course! A butter portal. (Turns to the audience, eyes shining.) You see? Butter is the key to everything!

(Andre lunges again, missing Fabio by inches. Chaplin is now using his cane to attempt a makeshift fencing duel against Andre’s massive hands. Mr. Bean sighs, pulls out a notepad, and begins sketching the scene, shaking his head as if he knew this would all happen.)

(Dan takes another reading, frowns.)

DAN AYKROYD: Reality stability dropping. We’re at a 12.3 on the Metaphysical Disarray Scale. If we hit 15, we could see… total collapse.

(Andre pauses, tilting his head.)

ANDRE THE GIANT: Meh?

(Fabio, gazing into the mirror, gasps.)

FABIO: My reflection! It’s… it’s made of butter!

(Everyone stops. Even Andre. They all stare at the mirror. A golden, shimmering Fabio stares back, running buttery hands through its hair.)

(Dan frantically scans the mirror. Mr. Bean taps his chin, then casually reaches forward and touches the mirror’s surface. It ripples.)

(Blackout.)